How does it Feel?

You like my Bob Dylan reference in the subject?

I feel like I am a walking contradiction at times. Especially lately. The last 8 weeks have been pretty intense as far as going off an SSRI and switching to Wellbutrin.

Case in point: a feeling you have at that moment in time that is not carried on to the next week, or maybe even the next day.. What if it’s something that is so important that you believe in and is totally ethical and then the next day you’re like OH HELL NO? Are you following me?

How to differentiate feelings from thoughts and emotions. I believe that feelings and emotions are 2 totally separate ‘things’.

So I did some research and came to the conclusion that what I was brewing up in my mind was right.

How do you know how you’re feeling and what emotions you are experiencing when you’re on a medication that sometimes suppresses emotions & feelings? Is that the real you or is it some sort of made up you?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. That’s not meant to be a negative connotation, but the things is, I cannot differentiate between if what I am feeling is what I actually feel or if the chemicals from the medication are skewing how I feel on certain things. Am I actually a person that cries at the drop of a hat? Or is that the medication? Why am I angry for no reason? Is that me or the medication? I can’t sleep at night unless I take melatonin – well I know the answer to that one – wellbutrin can act as a stimulant. The other questions – I don’t even know how to answer them and that makes me all sorts of confused. Do I need to know the answers to them? Maybe not. Maybe I just need to accept that this is how things are going to be and these are my feelings and emotions that are part of me.
So I wrote that about 4 weeks ago, and here we are today, August 1st and I hadn’t cried for weeks, but today I was triggered by a co-worker throwing a stress ball at my head.

I contemplated even publishing all of the above because I have been living my life online pretty much for the past 12 years. I can’t help that I am an open book, I can’t help that I enjoy expressing myself in different ways. I don’t like being told to ‘control myself’ or ‘keep it down a few notches’ – that is not conducive to the nature of who I am. The moment you try to control me or what I say/do is the moment I will do the opposite. I don’t know how else to explain that..

For my birthday, my auntie bought me the Happiness Project Journal. For 5 years EVERY DAY you write a line or 3 about whatever you want. Every day is so different. Emotions are different every day – so reading back on 8 days already has me laughing. One day I’m quoting a PJ Harvey song and the next I am like LIFE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

To end this, I will say that you should never shield who you are or how you feel, ever. Be real for fuck sake!




Empath / HSP / Boundaries

I have recently found out that I am an Empath. How I found this out was a fluke, or it was just an intuitive soul that knew this about me. How it happened doesn’t even matter at this point. It just did, and I welcome it with open arms.

Never have I been so in-tune and so intrigued by myself and/or this new found revelation.

For years I have had what I call a gut feeling, and it’s not that, it’s just that Empaths are highly intuitive souls. They’re sensitive and they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders – without even realizing it.

There are events over the years that have happened that I knew were going to unravel, that have happened.. sometimes they have played out slowly and sometimes so very fast.

I never knew how to deal with it or how to process these feelings properly. I’ve recently started reading a book called the Highly Sensitive Persons Survival Guide and I am totally picking up what it’s putting down. Reading this has also have me putting myself through different boundaries I was afraid to cross.

I have always somewhat thought of myself as a very shy individual, but in the past couple years, that has changed. I have accepted myself for who I am, thus allowing others to as well. Interesting how that all works, huh?

Though I don’t need validation or praise, I am so very lucky to have a partner that is on this journey with me.. even if he knows it or not.

I have been using the power of manifestation lately, and it’s working. My thinking of that school was always so silly, and now that I am in it, I am amazed.

Ways I’ve been helped by all of this:

1. Opening up myself to people and friends I may have not been able to before
2. A photo shoot in the park in which I was barely wearing any clothing
3. The ability to start loving my body no matter what anyone else’s standards are
4. Being a little more gentle with people (this is very hard for me, as I’ve been called ‘crass’ my whole life)
5. Asking for what I want, instead of what everyone else around me wants
6. Being alone. I love my quiet time. In fact, I live for it. It’s not a selfish thing as I’ve learned, it’s more of a psychologically and mentally uplifting time for me now

That’s enough for now. Hopefully by sharing this, others out there can be aware as well.


I highly recommend this book by Ted Zeff for the person that is just realizing they are an HSP. While this book is an account of a personal experience by Ted, you can still relate as an HSP, though you may have different experiences. ie: meditating is not for everyone, but it worked for Zeff. Take this book with a grain of salt as your experience as an HSP will be different.