How does it Feel?

You like my Bob Dylan reference in the subject?

I feel like I am a walking contradiction at times. Especially lately. The last 8 weeks have been pretty intense as far as going off an SSRI and switching to Wellbutrin.

Case in point: a feeling you have at that moment in time that is not carried on to the next week, or maybe even the next day.. What if it’s something that is so important that you believe in and is totally ethical and then the next day you’re like OH HELL NO? Are you following me?

How to differentiate feelings from thoughts and emotions. I believe that feelings and emotions are 2 totally separate ‘things’.

So I did some research and came to the conclusion that what I was brewing up in my mind was right.

How do you know how you’re feeling and what emotions you are experiencing when you’re on a medication that sometimes suppresses emotions & feelings? Is that the real you or is it some sort of made up you?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. That’s not meant to be a negative connotation, but the things is, I cannot differentiate between if what I am feeling is what I actually feel or if the chemicals from the medication are skewing how I feel on certain things. Am I actually a person that cries at the drop of a hat? Or is that the medication? Why am I angry for no reason? Is that me or the medication? I can’t sleep at night unless I take melatonin – well I know the answer to that one – wellbutrin can act as a stimulant. The other questions – I don’t even know how to answer them and that makes me all sorts of confused. Do I need to know the answers to them? Maybe not. Maybe I just need to accept that this is how things are going to be and these are my feelings and emotions that are part of me.
So I wrote that about 4 weeks ago, and here we are today, August 1st and I hadn’t cried for weeks, but today I was triggered by a co-worker throwing a stress ball at my head.

I contemplated even publishing all of the above because I have been living my life online pretty much for the past 12 years. I can’t help that I am an open book, I can’t help that I enjoy expressing myself in different ways. I don’t like being told to ‘control myself’ or ‘keep it down a few notches’ – that is not conducive to the nature of who I am. The moment you try to control me or what I say/do is the moment I will do the opposite. I don’t know how else to explain that..

For my birthday, my auntie bought me the Happiness Project Journal. For 5 years EVERY DAY you write a line or 3 about whatever you want. Every day is so different. Emotions are different every day – so reading back on 8 days already has me laughing. One day I’m quoting a PJ Harvey song and the next I am like LIFE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

To end this, I will say that you should never shield who you are or how you feel, ever. Be real for fuck sake!




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