What’s a nice word for ‘Depression’?

There isn’t one. Depression isn’t nice. It’s not even one bit comforting. It’s lonely and it pulls the covers off of you when all you want to be is covered by a warm security blanket. It looks at you in the face and tells you that you’re an awful, horrible human being who deserves all of the bad that comes their way. It eats you up and spits you out. It grinds you and leaves you naked, and not in the way that you prefer it to.

Why are you depressed?
Why don’t you just chill out?
Why don’t you meditate?
Why don’t you get over it?
Why don’t you get help?
Why are you sad?
Why don’t you just calm down?
Why can’t you be more optimistic?
Why can’t you just stop being you? Oh you mean being totally honest and vulnerable? Yes, let me just stop doing that.

Why don’t you..
Why don’t you…
Why don’t you….

Why don’t you just.  Why does there have to be an answer for all of the questions you’ve made up that you think there might be answers to?

It doesn’t work that way. If it did, we’d be 100% happy and thankful and full of gratitude and love (and I know some of us are). We’re not (I’m not) – especially looking and observing the world around us – it’s such an evil dirty place, but yet you have to look around to see what makes it beautiful.

I am going to do just that:

The trees, the sky, the moon, the sun, the shoes on my feet, the money in my wallet, the ability to see, the ability to listen, the ability to talk, the ability to express yourself the way you see fit, the ability to say yes and no,  the ability to love who you want to love, the ability to choose the people around you, the ability to shut off relationships that are not meaningful, the love that others want to give you, the love that others do GIVE you, the ability to accept all of this or not.

Ability. Depression. People. 2 way streets.


How does it Feel?

You like my Bob Dylan reference in the subject?

I feel like I am a walking contradiction at times. Especially lately. The last 8 weeks have been pretty intense as far as going off an SSRI and switching to Wellbutrin.

Case in point: a feeling you have at that moment in time that is not carried on to the next week, or maybe even the next day.. What if it’s something that is so important that you believe in and is totally ethical and then the next day you’re like OH HELL NO? Are you following me?

How to differentiate feelings from thoughts and emotions. I believe that feelings and emotions are 2 totally separate ‘things’.

So I did some research and came to the conclusion that what I was brewing up in my mind was right.


How do you know how you’re feeling and what emotions you are experiencing when you’re on a medication that sometimes suppresses emotions & feelings? Is that the real you or is it some sort of made up you?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. That’s not meant to be a negative connotation, but the things is, I cannot differentiate between if what I am feeling is what I actually feel or if the chemicals from the medication are skewing how I feel on certain things. Am I actually a person that cries at the drop of a hat? Or is that the medication? Why am I angry for no reason? Is that me or the medication? I can’t sleep at night unless I take melatonin – well I know the answer to that one – wellbutrin can act as a stimulant. The other questions – I don’t even know how to answer them and that makes me all sorts of confused. Do I need to know the answers to them? Maybe not. Maybe I just need to accept that this is how things are going to be and these are my feelings and emotions that are part of me.
So I wrote that about 4 weeks ago, and here we are today, August 1st and I hadn’t cried for weeks, but today I was triggered by a co-worker throwing a stress ball at my head.

I contemplated even publishing all of the above because I have been living my life online pretty much for the past 12 years. I can’t help that I am an open book, I can’t help that I enjoy expressing myself in different ways. I don’t like being told to ‘control myself’ or ‘keep it down a few notches’ – that is not conducive to the nature of who I am. The moment you try to control me or what I say/do is the moment I will do the opposite. I don’t know how else to explain that..

For my birthday, my auntie bought me the Happiness Project Journal. For 5 years EVERY DAY you write a line or 3 about whatever you want. Every day is so different. Emotions are different every day – so reading back on 8 days already has me laughing. One day I’m quoting a PJ Harvey song and the next I am like LIFE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

To end this, I will say that you should never shield who you are or how you feel, ever. Be real for fuck sake!