Yes, No, Maybe so.

In the past 5 years I have been trying to alter the way I think.

Clearly, it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with my thoughts/actions/feelings/behaviour.

When I was going to therapy, I learned a lot about this cycle. So much that my therapist had to leave a permanent diagram on the whiteboard so that I could remember every time I came to sit in my chair.

It’s a cycle, it’s a circle, things happen & things don’t happen, depends on which mode you’re on.

I’ve learned to be more assertive, to expect the worse at times, and to not get too excited about things. Though, I naturally get excited about things, this does mean that I get easily disappointed easier than most (or so I think.) I still take things personally (but not as bad as I used to).

The one thing that I get now that I didn’t get before is that the one thing you may think is the worst at the time, IS NOT. It’s amazing how far positive thinking can take you.

ie: the thing I wanted to happen so badly that one time.. did not –> you can choose to be sad, angry or mad. You can choose to chalk it up as an experience that you can learn from and smile, knowing that there is nothing to be upset about. You move on.

I really don’t think life is that bad unless you are stuck in a crisis that may be life or death. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that you can’t just force things to happen as you wish. Too much debt? Pay it off. Dislike your job? Find a new one. ¬†Miserable in your relationship? Leave. Not as easy as one may think, right? There is no sense in wallowing in things that you CAN change, and sometimes even the things you cannot.

When I was a teenager I was diagnosed as being a manic depressive, and I feel that while I still may have a little bit of that inside of me, it’s how I choose to deal with it when it surfaces. I don’t let it get the best of me or take over.

I sound like I’ve been reading way too many Psychology Today articles, which maybe I have…

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A day in the life. Of my brain.

It’s Saturday morning. I wake up at 8:30 am, which is sleeping in for me on a weekend day.

I wake up, I wash the dishes, I play with Ralphie. Coffee gets pressed and I catch up on all my usual social media and instagram(s). I refuel with a second cup and am hoping to have the courage to call Rogers about my iphone bill because I’ve been with them for 13 years and I still can’t believe how much they can get away with.

What did we do without smart phones? It makes me so angry how much we all depend on an electronic device. It makes me sad that I depend on it so much too.

Ralphie goes under the table and wipes his wet nose on the glass. I laugh and pet him.

I think about all the things that I have to do today.

The Brain. Perhaps Mine.

Get winter jackets from storage. Get a haircut. Make a huge pot of chili that has to start cooking very soon so it tastes really good. Pack up most of my summer clothes, except the few I’ll take with me to California. Go to the Vancouver Burlesque Centre for my class and get nervous about how I am going to remember all those steps again. Get mad at myself because it’s not a class where you’re getting graded, but putting yourself down is a hard thing to defeat. Remind myself why I am even doing this at all. Because I want to. I quit the gym so I could take classes that make me feel good inside and outside.

Look at the mountain of laundry that has accumulated from mostly 2 people and some part time step children. Think about what I’m going to do tonight with the 6 year old because we’re on our own.

Think about all the things that I have to do this week and that we have to get up at 4am next Saturday morning to catch an early flight to Calgary for his brother’s wedding that weekend. Think about how nervous/excited I get about flying and how many imodiums I need to take.

Think about taking up meditation and just calming the fuck down.

It’s only ¬†10am, and this is all that has occurred in my mind and the only thing I’ve actually done so far is the dishes and drink coffee.