Wake up Calls & Google Don’t Mix

The worst thing you could ever do to yourself is Google your symptoms. I remember the second time I saw my new Dr., she asked me “What do you think is wrong with you?” When I was convinced I had Celiac’s disease. And I said, well, Dr. I googled my symptoms… Errrrrr… She stopped me right there.

Don’t ever do it, just don’t.

Let’s back up 10 days ago, I started feeling funny. Now, I’m lucky and have an auto immune thyroid disorder, and sometimes when people around me get sick I always get sick. Always. It’s no fun and I take things to suppress it, but it doesn’t always roadblock it.

Come Saturday I was feeling fluish and my stomach was in it’s own version of hell. Monday I got a headache and it wasn’t like any headache I had ever had. It felt like what a migraine would feel like. Tuesday evening, I couldn’t stand it anymore, called the Nurse line and they told me to go to Emergency. Darcy came home from work and we went to the hospital.

I walked into the hospital with my sunglasses and an icepack strapped to my head. I looked AWESOME. After finding out I had a bad viral infection and I was pretty dehydrated, they hooked me up to a bunch of IV fluids and also gave me Morphine for the pain. Oh, but first they gave me Gravol for my nausea. Have you ever had Gravol in an IV? Goddamn that shit’s good.

I missed a whole week of work (I also have the most understanding boss, ever.) I basically ‘ate’ liquids for a week and now I basically have my water bottle strapped to my hip.

I’m mixing a little veggie/fruit juice with it to get my electrolytes back up, but I’m always drinking liquid.

I took this opportunity to quit drinking for a while. It’s sad that something like this ‘made me do it’, but it’s something that needed to be done for a while. Also, coffee.. It’s a diuretic and I’m sure it wasn’t helping with the dehydration either. I haven’t been eating much and I don’t crave sweets or anything like that either.

It’s funny how we know these things.. yet it takes things like this to help ourselves.

Also: weightloss. clear mind. other things. I feel awesome.

 

The Opposite Of.

Hey, so you know all that talk about feeling cathartic and cleansing and yadda yadda yadda? Sure, I take myself seriously.. but does anyone else? How can they when I don’t even take myself seriously?

Today I’m struggling. And it’s nice to have an outlet to write about your struggles. If only I can tell you all of my struggles. I can, but I won’t. Why? Judgement. People judge. They are judgers. I am one. I don’t deny it at all.

Remember that book I started writing and a chapter formed? Yeah, I remember that too. Do you? It’s probably a distant memory. Me? Not so much a distant memory. Did I even save it in the crash of laptop 2011? Perhaps, I haven’t checked yet. I hope it’s there. If not, my former memory is pretty good.

Did you know I can write this blog while watching TV and no eyes on the keys? Yeah? Well, I can.

What’s important? Love. Relationships. Family. Friends. One more thing? Losing weight. Not important enough, obviously. I keep sabotaging myself.

Sure, I eat healthy. All day. Then sometimes I come home and eat like I’ve never eaten in my life. And then I have 3 servings in one glass of Skinny Girl Margarita.

Why do I do this? Urges. They come over me like a fat girl in a tutu. It’s just something you shouldn’t do. But I do it, because I can. And mostly, I do it alone. That makes me feel like no one knows, and then ashamed because .. what did I gain? Nothing.

See, I have all the answers.

Do you know who inspires me?

Tatiana (she doesn’t have an active blog, but we’re friends. We met in California years ago).

Raymi. (I’ve been reading her blog for a couple years. Every day she makes me smile. I understand her mania.)

Yet I can’t seem to get my shit together. These girls worked their asses off for the bodies they have. Raymi is also a superstar in her own right. I admire both of them. Maybe they think I’m crazy for even mentioning them, but while I sit here on my cellulite ridden ass, sipping my SKINNY GIRL margarita, I can still find inspiration. I am not one of those girls that thinks because they’re skinny they did something wrong. NO. They did it all right. Every step of the way. And they can still eat ‘badly’ and still get on the train.

Remember when I lost 40 pounds? Yeah, me too. I remember that. Do you? I never forget. Every single fucking day of my life. Struggles. Where it’s at. Join me.

P.S. this weekend I hemmed curtains in an almost straight line and I painted 2 paintings, cooked 3 meals and drank lots of wine. I also hung out with my boyfriend and his children and played with them and and and.. I can still be super. I am super.