How I Made Holidays (and life) Easier.

I squashed Religion. I stopped going to church. I vaguely believe that someone MAY be ‘up’ there. Why is it up? No freaking religious figure lives up in the SKY.

The goddamn Buddha lives on a perch, doesn’t he? For all I know, the dude is a bird.

I don’t have to stop eating meat on a day that’s being put aside for that. I don’t have to do all these religious cantankerous th ings that I hated do

ing in the first place.

That’s why I say, holidays are just another day (and sometimes days off) for me. I have no interest in going back to the way things where. Traditions are fine (I might have a few), but the religious aspect of holidays is such a turn off for me, I can’t even begin to tell you how much.

It’s nice that you do what you do and believe in what you believe in, but I don’t. My life has been a better place since I’ve gotten rid of all these things. It never made me feel like a better person. In fact, it made me feel like a self entitled prick (and that I am not).

Unlike this guy…

Photo taken by Me on Granville Street, July 2010.


In a Nutshell

I’m going to be honest with you (as if I’m not already!)

I am 5 years old inside. Inside of me lives this little girl that LOVES to laugh and joke and cry and scream and throw tantrums and eat FRUIT ROLL UPS and ‘steal’ M&M’s from the cupboard.

As I write this, I am currently doing adult things like defrosting my smoked salmon on the counter for my snack when Darcy comes home from playing board games tonight. And other adult things like making sure my lunch is packed for tomorrow and if I have enough gas in my car to get to Langley for my monthly meetings. I went to the gym tonight and sweated my ass off, and all I could think about coming home was this blog post that I’ve been wanting to write for a long time.

When I was 6 my Mom took me and my Brother Milan to Seattle to leave everything behind. She left my alcoholic father and she left the world she knew to make a new world for us.

I grew up really fast. I had to take care of my brother when I was young (and he was even younger). Sometimes we had a babysitter and sometimes we didn’t. Aside from the fact that it was a little scary, at the time I never thought anything of it until now. Basically, I lost my childhood. I don’t blame it on my Mom. She had choices to make and these things came with the territory. I’m going to fast forward a little bit..

When I was a little girl, I was abused by my stepfather. Hiding physical and sexual abuse is not something I want to do anymore. For years and years people would wonder why I was in therapy and why I had ‘issues’. Well I’ll tell you what.

I’m 31 years old and not afraid to admit that I was sexually abused and physically abused for many years and I lost my virginity in the worst way any child could. Kids, I grew up real quick.

I was ashamed and I was hurt and tortured and emotionally and physically battered and today I am alive to talk about it. I have problems and issues and I go to therapy because it takes many years to heal from years of this sick and maddening thing that happened. Every day I thought I was going to die.

Hey, you know what? I’ll tell you what I don’t do. I don’t use it as an excuse. I abused drugs. I drank (I still do sometimes), I had promiscuous sex. All of it. I did it. And who knows why I did it. Some people say I did it because I was abused, but then again I know a lot of people who weren’t abused, but still did all these things that you’re supposed to do because you’re ‘fucked up’.

I am proud of myself to day. I’m proud of what I’ve become and where I am and who I’m with and my life and my friends and my family. None of it is perfect, but it’s mine and I love it everyday. Some days, I want to run away because I feel like I can’t handle it, and some days I cry because I am so damn lucky to be where I am today.

I’m not afraid to admit my faults or my short comings. I’m not afraid to admit when I’ve done good and how awesome I think I am. No one should ever be judged for things they had/have no control over. Ever.

I am just thankful for life. That I have it, that I live it and that I know not everyone has the opportunities that I do (or vice versa!)

So what I’m trying to say – is that there are days when I’m 5 years old. Or 8, or 12, or even 15. Because I never had the chance. And today I do.



Love Food/Hate Food

Food. The essential item to being alive (other than water). But then again Jesus (if he was really who he said he was) survived 40 days without.

I bet he drank his own piss anyway. What’s the biblical word for piss?

Just a sec: Piss in the Bible. Goddamn, I’m funny. Piss on Jesus.

Back to the subject of this post – Food. I love food. I love food more than I love myself. I have destroyed myself with my love of food. My whole day is planned around what I’m going to eat. I don’t like going a day without knowing.

Sometimes there are problems. I don’t always eat good food. I like too indulge way too much and way too fast.

My typical day looks like this: Oatmeal/Protein for breakfast, 3 cups of coffee.. Oh then we have lunch? Usually chicken and veggies or something really healthy.. I have snacks like apple & peanut butter in between. OH MY GOSH DINNER WHAT IS FOR DINNER. I usually ask Darcy what’s for dinner when I wake up. Dinner I eat whatever (within reason). Sometimes I work out. Then sometimes I go away to Seattle for 3 days and eat my weight in food.

To the naked eye I eat healthy. But you don’t always see me. I also have this thing in my head where I MUST TRY EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET.

Things I would have never eaten before now include: suckling pig (though I don’t know if I could do this again, SUCKLING PIG? breaks my heart), pork belly (oh so good), rib eye steaks (I never ate a proper steak until 4 years ago),  etc.

I don’t hate food, but sometimes I say I hate food. I love food. I love it so much that I want to hate it. I love food because it’s so good and without it I’ll die. But I don’t like eating what I’m supposed to all the time.

My body type doesn’t allow me to ‘eat whatever I want’ like some people. But then again, I’m probably still more healthier than most. Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthier than me. I know some skinny people who have problems climbing a hill. I can climb a hill and I’m fatter than you.

4 years ago I lost 42 pounds.

I don’t think I’d lose that 42 every again, but I’d like to lose at least 20. I’m a happy curvy girl, but there are days where I don’t want to have to wear shorts instead of bikini bottoms, you know? I want to be able to walk without my thighs rubbing together. I want to be able to RUN without wearing 2 sports bra’s.

I’m happy, but I’m not. Does that make sense?

Back to this food thing. Food can destroy your insides or it can make you thrive.. depending on what you actually put into your body. And I’m learning this.

Oh, I’m learning it the hard way.