Suckerpunching Myself (but I get back up.)

In December 2006 I was unhappy. I mean, I was unhappy for years before that, but in December 2006 I decided to take charge of my life.

In January 2007 I joined a program called Fit & Fab at my local gym. It consisted of working out (wow!) and ‘eating clean’. In May 2007, I left my husband. I was fit, I was down to a weight I actually felt myself in. For so many years I was overweight, unhappy, and stuck in a black hole that wasn’t my life. I was coasting through life. I was living a double life. I was living as the wife, and I was living as what I wanted my life to be. These 2 can’t live together.


(When I look at this photo I want to cry. I want to be that girl again.)

I had this new body, I had a new boyfriend, I was living life.. I was feeling good, confident and ready to DO SOMETHING. I was also drinking heavily. I was self destructive. I did things that someone should never do to themselves or the person they love.  But damnit, I looked good.

In 2008, I moved to Vancouver for a new job, I was a size 10, damn I was feeling good. A new job AND I was still maintaining my body somewhat.

Then it all went downhill. Those months of coasting on just drinking and barely eating, the constant boxing classes I was taking (it hurt it hurt so good).. it just caught up with me. I started eating whatever I wanted, I had numerous health problems and I just went downhill. I was unhappy again. Gaining weight, feeling down on myself, trying anything to lose a few pounds.

Fast forward, here we are today.

I am unhappy with my body. I have been for a long time. We can never be happy with what we have, right? We have self image and body issues. We could all be more thinner, prettier and smarter.

I just want to be healthy. I haven’t gone one day without some sort of health problem. On Sunday I decided that this was it.. I’m getting my body back, I’m getting my health back and I will no longer not care. I care about myself and that’s why I’m doing this..

There is no silly challenge or time frame or anything, I am just going to do it and go with the flow. I am going to eat better, drink less and work out more. I am going to take my supplements every day, my b12 injections 3 times a week and I am going to do this.

People will love you no matter your size, but if you are not happy, then.. you change. And that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t want to keep having to wear swim shorts at the pool, I want to wear a bikini again. I don’t want to keep having to tug down my shirt to hide my stomach fat. I don’t want to have to wear spanx and/or tights all the damn time.

Look at that stomach. JUST LOOK AT IT. Now I can’t even see my own vagina. Barely.

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4 thoughts on “Suckerpunching Myself (but I get back up.)

  1. I think it’s great that you want to be healthy. I only hope you are gentle on yourself. I’ve only met you a couple of times, and both times I thought you were beautiful, self-confident and comfortable with your body. Surely there must be some truth to that? You can’t fake it, can you? There are so many aspects of a full life to juggle, and excercise is just one. Do what you like, but don’t get off balance just to fit into a tiny waistband. You know? I struggle with weight gain, but try not to let the act of weight loss rule my life. Balance.

  2. You brought tears to my eyes, because I know exactly what you are and were going through, I was though that too. But in the end, we realize that it’s about being healthy and feeling good. It’s like poor people wishing they were rich because they think they would be happy, yet rich people are not any happier than poor people statistically. Once you get to where you want to be, it’s about your health, longetivity, quality of life and when we are young we don’t think about it that way, we are more concerned about the way we look and how people look at us. But as we get older and our life experience that brings us that confidence we need, we realize that it was all about nothing and it was all an illusion because that is what they sell us, The Illusion that if you look thin and pretty, you will be admired and loved.
    To me you are and always will be giving, generous, and stubborn as a rock! Once we become compassionate, the outside world becomes a part of us not against us and we realize that we are all here on this planet to learn something.
    Once you get healthy, then you can do whatever you want, but the body can’t follow your commands if it does not get the food it needs to perform. Pour bad gas into a car it sputters and doesn’t even start up sometimes, well, our bodies are like that too.
    I’m proud of you, you figured it out a lot sooner than I did 🙂

  3. Airdrie, thank you. That means a lot coming from you. You are right, I am confident, that is one thing.. And I am going to try and balance this and do it right! Thank you:)

    And Mama, at this point, I think I’ll be happy just to be healthy! 🙂 I love you.

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