There’s been a lot of talk about death in our house lately. Mostly because of the fact that Darcy is getting older, and we’re 11 years apart in age.

Last night I was talking about my Granny, who is in Assisted Living, who will have to be in Residential Care soon and the tears started flowing. My Granny took care of me & my brother Milan. All throughout the years she did so much for us. She lives daily with dementia/alzheimer’s that gets worse with time. She’s not the same person I used to know or talk to. Infact, you can’t really talk to her anymore as she’s lost her ability to speak english.. So we can just laugh and sit with her and be okay with it.

I don’t visit her enough. It’s selfish of me, and sometimes painful because she’s not the Granny I used to know. I need to get over myself and just open my heart more and accept that she won’t ever be the same. It’s tough, when I look in her eyes it’s different. I love her so much and I really don’t know what I’d do without her in my life, but knowing that one day she won’t be here. Or my Mom. Or Darcy. Or my Aunt. Or Myself.

Some people are comfortable with death. I’m not (yet). I’ve never experienced anyone so close to me such as family other than my Grandpa, die. I’ve had friends die, and my friends friends die, but..

Death, does it scare you? Are you okay with it? I can safely say that I’m not. I hope one day

I will be. I know that people die, it’s a fact of life, but it’s hard for me to accept. I can’t even fathom my kitty dying!

2 thoughts on “Death?

  1. Death doesn’t scare me. Not that I *want* to die. I want to live a long, fulfilling life. I’ve died three times in this life time and been brought back, all due to events out of my control. Ever since I my Grandpa died when I was two, death has fascinated me. Wondering what it meant. What it meant to stop existing. But it wasn’t really death that captivated me, it’s what comes afterwards. I’ve come to terms with my mortality and the mortality of those I love. What does scare me is illnesses like cancer. I’ve lost more loved ones to cancer than anything else and watched my Dad battle cancer for 20 years. Supported my Mom in her fight with cancer. My grandparents. Friends. Cancer loves my family and that’s what scares me. The fact that my likely hood of getting cancer is high and if I don’t die by some freak accident that finally does *actually* kill me, that cancer is probably what’s going to take me. Death is inevitable. I accept that. It’s the long, drawn out pain of illness that freaks me right the fuck out. If cancer terminally claims my body, I’m out. I’ll OD on something. Short and sweet. So as I write that, I’m thinking: yes, maybe I am afraid of death, to an extend. I’m afraid of long, drawn out death.

  2. Death scares the crap out of me. My parents getting older has me freaks me out. All my grandparents have passed but I don’t think i could call us too close… I have no idea what will happen when someone close or one of my cats passes either & sometimes I dwell on that & it gets me down, knowing one day… Guh I can’t even type it, lol. Hugs Gina. We are so lucky to know such wonderful people to begin with in our lives, that make us feel this way.

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