Living with My Mind

Sometimes living within my own brain can be

a challenge. Making decisions, figuring out what I want and then dealing with it after.

In my car, the volume can never be on an odd number. In my mind, if it’s on an odd number, I have a greater risk of getting into a car accident. This is what my brain tells me. I will freak out if you ever adjust my volume. Don’t ever do it.

My therapist always points out.. Thoughts.. Feelings and Behaviour. It’s a triangle that I can’t always follow. Usually it goes to FEELINGS AND THEN BEHAVIOUR without the thought process.

When I was 15 I wanted to be a Psychologist. When I was 25 I wanted to be a Clinical Counselor. The thought of helping other people with their own thoughts isn’t frightening. The thought of getting my own thoughts and feelings in order is.

There is a point where people need to freely admit they cannot handle dealing with their own thoughts. I do this every day. I get angry. I get sad. Mad. Upset. Hurt. Happy.

In my life, if things don’t go my way, it makes me angry. Because in my mind, things not going my way means that it’s a big mess and I fucked up. Even if I try so hard and fail, it’s still all my fault.

Suffering from all of this  cliched manic depression is not all it’s cracked up to be.

There are days where I become obsessive with things. If I have something on my mind one day, that whole day will be spent thinking, plotting, doing, testing, something.. If I have a recipe I want to try out it has to be the best one or else it won’t suffice. It’s just so scary at times. I just can’t make a decision on the spot anymore, it’s gotta be research. Even for the simplest thing like a recipe.. It can’t just be an Apple Cake. It has to be some sort of upside down caramel apple cake. Crazy Town – Population: Myself.

Maybe this is all normal and you experience this too.

I guess this is why I’m writing a book. So I can share my experiences, my toils and troubles, my happiness and my sadness.

This is my Mother’s womb, with me in it. Just to show you where this all started from.

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