So on July 26th I turned 31. When I turned 30 I was terrified. It’s just a number, right?
I spent a long time being unhappy and miserable in a marriage that just wasn’t going to work out. When I left him in 2007 I did a lot of self destructive things to myself and a lot of people that I loved.
When I turned 30 it was a wake up call. I have a great job, I have a great group of core friends that I know I can turn to any time. I have a great boyfriend who has been there for me through everything (bless his soul, seriously).
Now I’m 31. Almost out of debt. That feeling gives me the heebie jeebies in a good way. I left my place that I was sharing with my roommate because it was a toxic situation for many months. That situation didn’t end well and I ended up being the bad guy. I removed myself and felt good about it.. relieved. And now I have no fixed address and I’m staying with the love of my life until I find something better.
I’ve recently been thinking about my life and how I want it to go. There is no path set in stone yet, but all I know is that I am happy doing what I do in my life and I don’ t need anyone
bringing me down. I don’t need anyone telling me what to do and how I should do it. If I am happy in my life, isn’t that enough? Why do I have to do what YOU want me to do? I don’t.
It’s really hard to come to terms with a lot of the things that have happened throughout the years. They’ve made me that much stronger, as fucking cliche as that is. I’ve had a rough week and I’m back in therapy because.. hell who doesn’t need therapy? As much as it is soul enriching, it also brings up so many things from the past and also current that you never want to talk about. It’s like barfing up all the bad shit you never wanted to deal with. And that’s where I’m at now.
Barfing it up, and then cleaning it up. For good.
The homework I was given this week was to stop responding to negativity and only respond to the positive. As much as I am a reactionary person this is going to be hard. Really hard. I respond to negativity because I feel like it’s a personal attack.
Learning to let go. It’s going to be hard. And I’m going to learn that I’m not a bad person because I don’t do something that I feel I should. And I’m not horrible because I backed out of something. Or that taking time for myself shouldn’t make me feel guilty.
Yadda, you know?
That’s right bitches, I’m going to conquer all those fucking mountains.