31 and Living

So on July 26th I turned 31. When I turned 30 I was terrified. It’s just a number, right?

I spent a long time being unhappy and miserable in a marriage that just wasn’t going to work out. When I left him in 2007 I did a lot of self destructive things to myself and a lot of people that I loved.

When I turned 30 it was a wake up call. I have a great job, I have a great group of core friends that I know I can turn to any time. I have a great boyfriend who has been there for me through everything (bless his soul, seriously).

Now I’m 31. Almost out of debt. That feeling gives me the heebie jeebies in a good way. I left my place that I was sharing with my roommate because it was a toxic situation for many months. That situation didn’t end well and I ended up being the bad guy. I removed myself and felt good about it.. relieved. And now I have no fixed address and I’m staying with the love of my life until I find something better.

I’ve recently been thinking about my life and how I want it to go. There is no path set in stone yet, but all I know is that I am happy doing what I do in my life and I don’ t need anyone

bringing me down. I don’t need anyone telling me what to do and how I should do it. If I am happy in my life, isn’t that enough? Why do I have to do what YOU want me to do? I don’t.

It’s really hard to come to terms with a lot of the things that have happened throughout the years. They’ve made me that much stronger, as fucking cliche as that is.  I’ve had a rough week and I’m back in therapy because.. hell who doesn’t need therapy? As much as it is soul enriching, it also brings up so many things from the past and also current that you never want to talk about. It’s like barfing up all the bad shit you never wanted to deal with. And that’s where I’m at now.

Barfing it up, and then cleaning it up. For good.

The homework I was given this week was to stop responding to negativity and only respond to the positive. As much as I am a reactionary person this is going to be hard. Really hard. I respond to negativity because I feel like it’s a personal attack.

Learning to let go. It’s going to be hard. And I’m going to learn that I’m not a bad person because I don’t do something that I feel I should. And I’m not horrible because I backed out of something. Or that taking time for myself shouldn’t make me feel guilty.

Yadda, you know?

That’s right bitches, I’m going to conquer all those fucking mountains.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “31 and Living

  1. I know that you will be ok, your ability to enjoy and revel in the world around you is one of your best traits. I am glad you are out of the toxic roommate nightmare. remember mountains are smaller when you have people who care about you and you have tons. oh and just for good measure “testicles”ah you thought I forgot

  2. I agree that we should all have psychotherapy as a tool in our toolbox should we ever need it. I hope you are seeing a good therapist and not a life coach or some such quack. Group therapy is also helpful.

    🙂

  3. I’m with you on being reactionary. I have been stopping myself from reacting to negativity in my life, and honestly I’m WAY less stressed about it! I just can’t get over that “no action” is the best course of action at times, but seeing how it actually works has made me a calmer and happier person.
    I never thought that my 30’s would be this calm and awesome!
    It’s been great watching you grow from the time we “met” so many years ago. 🙂

  4. WOW, I’m right with you in that space!!! Thanks so much for writing about it, it’s really great to know I’m not alone. It was this week that I realised, “Hey! I’m actually starting to know myself and I don’t want to do what everyone else is telling me to do”. So I’m actually going to commit to doing it my way. Life, I mean.
    FREEING, right?!?!
    Way to go, Gina 🙂

  5. Steven, you’re so sweet. I’m glad you see those things! And I’ll never forget testicles, ahh..

    Air-my dear I have a really cool clinical counsellor, she’s awesome. Often she hands my ass on a platter to me. Kind of kicks me in the ass, instead of being an enabler!

    Rach, ditto to you. We’ve both grown a lot. Kudos to us!

    Brianna, hey if we can’t do it our way, why do it at all? Kidding. You know what I mean.

  6. Whenever I catch myself whining and complaining all the time, I find AC/DC therapy a big help. The “Hell’s Bells” method is particularly effective turned up to 11.

    “I’m gonna getcha! SA-TAN getcha! HELL’S BELLS! Satan’s comin’ to you! HELL’S BELLS!”

    That’s called empowerment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s